i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
