I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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