He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
