She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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