I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
