i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
