I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
