Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
