I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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