I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
