I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
