I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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