Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
