So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
