four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
