you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
