I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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