while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
