It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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