my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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