I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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