He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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