I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
