Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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