Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
