she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
