Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
