My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
