Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
