ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
