Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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