Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
