It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
