Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Randomize