The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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