Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
