I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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