I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
