Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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