mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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