Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
