Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
