here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
