i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm at about main and main street
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Randomize
