Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize