either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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