rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
