i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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