when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
