yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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