I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
