walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
