Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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