my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
