I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
