I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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