You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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