I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
